Deidara's Adventures in Wonderland
by Akatsuki's Kitten
Summary: Deidara wakes up in a foreign land... Wearing nothing but a French maid costume. Needless to say he isn't happy. Can the blonde use the powers of seduction to defeat the Red Queen? Who is this evil mistress? Where are the rest of the Akatsuki and will they ever escape? Warning: Yaoi and smut with Deidara and the entire Akatsuki. M for language and sexual content.
1. Chapter 1: The fucking white rabbit

A/N: Ok, this was really fun to write. I know it's a bit (extremely) messed up but whatever! Guess who the other Akatsuki are gonna be! I already have characters for them but I might change them if your ideas are better… Still, review please! And enjoy! WARNING! GAY STUFF! And I, unfortunately, own nothing but a weird young mind and a love for wasting time.

…

Chapter 1: The fucking white rabbit

"!"

Beneath a large oak tree a beautiful blonde boy whose name was Deidara had been rudely awoken from his sleep. Said boy snorted and snapped his eyes open, confused. He dazedly wiped a dry trail of drool from his chin and glanced around, not recognising where he was…

And who had dared to dress him in a French maid outfit…? Deidara's uncovered blue eye widened as he tried to cover himself up with the sky blue short, lacy outfit. His slim, tan legs were sporting an adorable pair of white and black striped stockings and his feet were laced into a pair of shiny black school-girl's pumps with little ribbons on the front. His "dress" was also decorated with ribbons and a frilly white apron and everything! Why? He was a _man_ dammit! Why did so many people not respect that?

The adorable garment was tied with a large white bow at the back and the skirt finished far too high for the man's liking- it just about covered his private areas and whoever had done this to him hadn't been kind enough to provide any manly boxers to make up for the kinky role-play he was being forced into. No, the only thing covering him down there was a small pair of black frilled panties with tiny red clouds dotted on the material. The evil person had done this was going to pay…

The "man" slowly rose to his feet shaking with rage and his visible eye twitching. He glanced about some more, appearing to be in an unfamiliar forest somewhere. He had been about to climb a tree and get a better view of where to head when he heard screaming heading his way. The blonde whipped his head around, squinting into the distance as a figure raced closer, yelling at the top of their lungs as they wove between the large trees.

"Fuck, shit, piss, bollox, crap, I'm so fucking late dammit!" Deidara pursed his lips; he knew that voice from somewhere…

"FUCK, SHIT, BOLLOX, CRAP, GODDAMN IT I AM SO FUCKING LATE THAT BITCH IS GONNA FUCKING KILL ME! FUUU-"

Hidan froze mid-sprint as he caught sight of his fellow Akatsuki member. Both men stared at one another. The Jashin worshiper was wearing a pair of white leather loafers, white suit trousers, a cherry-blossom pink waistcoat buttoned up with shiny silver buttons over a white cotton shirt, the usual pendant round his neck had been replaced by a silver pocket watch with the triangle within a circle symbol engraved on the back and… a pair of pure-white fluffy bunny ears poking out of his head and a fuzzy cotton tail sticking out of the trousers.

Both males fell to the forest floor howling with laughter.

"What… the fuck… Are you wearing…?" Hidan gasped between fits of giggles.

"What about you, un?" Deidara retorted wiping a tear from his eye beneath his golden fringe.

"Go die, bitch; I fucking always look like this, since that whore cast a spell on us!" Hidan pouted, looking at his watch. "Holy shit, I'm fucked…"

"Huh?" Deidara stared at the zealot. "What are y-"

"No time!" Hidan caught the blonde's wrist in a death-grip and ran like the wind, dragging Deidara along too. "Hurry the fuck up!"

Under a particularly large tree there was a hole in the ground. A very large hole which Deidara had been about to warn Hidan about since he seemed to be heading directly for said hole. However just as the bomber had opened his mouth Hidan heaved the smaller male under his arm and jumped high above the opening in the ground shouting "CANNON BOMB!"

Deidara screamed (in a very manly voice, as I'm sure you can imagine) and the pair hurtled down into the ground at such a speed that Hidan's long white ears were flapping above him and anybody bellow would have a lovely view of Deidara's panties. The blonde started to see his life flash before his eyes. Clay birds and sticks of dango floated through the dark tunnel past them. The artist clung to Hidan for dear life, who was wearing a giant crazy grin on his face, as the pair fell.

After what felt like a whole minute- which is a long time one takes to fall down a humongous rabbit hole- Deidara started thinking clearly. He planned to live by grabbing some clay and making a bird to fly on and escape gravity. With a triumphant grin he went to grab the clay… And all he found in his pockets were stupid little biscuits that said "eat me" on them. Deidara shrieked in horror as the tiled floor this hole had at the end of it began rushing towards them.

"Oh shit," Hidan gasped, looking at the blonde under his arm.

"What, un!"

"I forgot you aren't fucking immortal." Hidan facepalmed with his free hand.

Deidara's eyes went wide and he flinched, expecting the hit the tiles painfully at any moment…

Any moment now…

…

The blonde cracked an eye open, wondering why there was no pain and death. Hidan stood on the tiles, still carrying him under his arm with his other arm bent in the air so he could stick a finger in his long floppy white rabbit ear. He wrinkled his nose and flicked whatever he'd found away with mild distaste. He noticed Deidara staring.

"Heh, you totally thought you'd fucking croak just now, right?"

The blonde pouted and demanded the rabbit put him down. Hidan shrugged and dropped him to the floor.

Deidara groaned whilst rubbing the side he'd landed on. He had been about to punch the zealot when he realised he had vanished.

"Hidan? Where'd you go, un?"

The bomber sat up and looked around, seeing nothing other than a yellow and black tiled floor and a tiny door in a nasty yellow coloured wall.

"How the hell did you fit through there, un?" the artist mumbled to himself.

"It's piss easy," the Jashinist's voice squeaked.

"Hidan?" The blonde glared at the floor, searching. He finally found his rabbit; only the man was now palm-sized. Deidara grinned and grabbed him, earning a high-pitched curse. "Aaww! Little Hidan is so _cuuuuute_, un!"

Deidara was careful not to grip him too hard as he rubbed the tip of his finger over the little man's soft white head and ears. It was hard to tell what with him being so tiny but Deidara thought the male blushed. "Fucking let me go you giant transvestite!"

The blonde pouted and dropped him, earning another cuss.

"Hmph. How do you like it, un?"

"Fine, I'll just leave your giant ass here then. But you'll be lonely and fucking bored too…" The tiny rabbit began heading for the miniature door in the wall.

"Wait, un!" Deidara shoved a hand in the way. "Help me! How do I get out of here?"

The zealot smiled up at him cruelly. "The only way to escape would be to fight the bitch that runs this place and fucking started all this…" he gestured to his bunny tail.

"Who, un?"

"The fucking Red Queen. She's gonna chop off my head _again_ if I don't hurry up and get you to her." Hidan pointed at the blonde. "You better blow the shit outta her or else I'm wasting my fucking time and we'll be stuck here like this for a while…"

"How? Where is she, un?" the blonde raised Hidan to his eye level so he wouldn't have to shout. Of course, the little rabbit-man shouted anyway.

"You gotta get your fat ass through that door."

Deidara pouted. "I'm not fat, un… and how, I'm a lot bigger than you!"

Hidan rolled his eyes. "No shit! Well, since you don't posses the powers I do I guess I'll have to give them to you."

"Like in a potion, un?" Deidara asked innocently, setting the rabbit down and watching curiously.

Hidan chuckled, "Something like that…"

The artist watched in awestruck silence as the cursing rabbit grew to be the same size as he had been before: just a few inches taller than Deidara. He smirked down at the staring maid, who began to get up off the floor- till Hidan grabbed placed a hand on top of his head and held him down. The blonde blushed as he realised he was eye level with Hidan's crotch.

"Lemme go, Hidan, un!" Deidara struggled but got nowhere.

"You wanna escape, you're gonna have to gain some of my powers and abilities, right?"

The blonde didn't reply, he simply stared up at the man with a bright blush on his face.

"C'mon, Dei-chan!" Hidan ruffled the suddenly timid boy's soft golden hair. "Do you see a magical potion around here to help you out instead? Fuck no! Don't worry, it doesn't taste that bad…"

"Really, un?" one blue eye looked up hopefully.

Hidan smiled, "I promise. But you gotta swallow it all or else you'll have to do it all over again, which would be fucking great but would take longer."

The blonde chewed his lip and took a deep breath. He kneeled up and pushed some hair off his face. He gave Hidan a wary glance before sighing and reaching up and cupping the older male's crotch. The zealot watched with exited purple eyes as Deidara unzipped his white trousers and let them fall to the tiled floor. The bomber was met by a pair of black boxers with a similar pattern as his underwear. Deidara frowned at this, wondering what that was all about but dismissing the thought and hesitantly rubbed the half-hard shaft through his pants.

"Fuck," the zealot gasped with a grin. "I'd forgotten you have those palm-mouths. Shit this is gonna be fucking amazing."

For whatever reason, hearing this made Deidara actually want to please Hidan; he didn't want to let the teammate down. Still, did that kind of loyalty even apply to blow jobs? Apparently so…

When the tent in Hidan's boxers grew to be double the size it had been the blonde gulped and peeled away the cloth, praying it wouldn't be too bad. He took the pink, swollen head into his mouth and clasping the base with his left hand. His right hand was used to support Deidara's weight by gripping firmly onto Hidan's strong, firm thigh. Hidan was much larger than Deidara had expected. The erect member had about three inches on the blonde's. He released the tongue of his left palm-mouth and stroked the thick manhood slowly, from base –where the side of his hand brushed against soft, white pubic hair- to the skin before the tip- where Deidara's mouth on his face was sucking.

Hidan grunted after a dozen of these slow, wet strokes, and gently rocked his hips forward, forcing himself further into the blonde's moist, hot cavern. Deidara hummed slightly, getting the hang of it. He sped up his pumping, squeezing harder as he worked his palm mouth and closed his eyes in concentration. He sucked harder, swirling his tongue over and around the tip before sliding and grinding it into the tip. The zealot was panting hard, watching as Deidara attempted to swallow more of him. The blonde tried to relax his throat muscles and clenched his fist tighter still whilst pumping, inching more and more of Hidan's hot, large member into his mouth as he bobbed his head forwards and back.

The rabbit man did his best not to grab the blonde's hair and simply fuck his face. The problem was he'd never had self-control worth shouting about. Hidan took a hold of either side of the blonde's face and pulled his face closer to his body, resulting in the blonde moaning in complaint and embarrassment. The vibrations resonated through the older male's body and made him groan out loud, feeling pleasure buzz through his veins and pool at his groin. He made no effort to hold back his orgasm.

Deidara was very surprised and kind of impressed with himself, as well as feeling slightly repulsed by the apparent natural talent he had for giving head. Hidan had opted for resting a single hand on the back of the blonde's soft head as he closed his eyes, a happy grin on his face, as he rocked his cock deeper into the younger male's mouth kneeling before him. His hips faltered in their rhythm slightly before eagerly speeding up as the blonde brought his other hand up from Hidan's thigh. He slid the tongue along the male's sensitive inner thigh and lightly cupped his balls. The zealot hissed in delight as Deidara's third mouth licked and sucked the balls he was rolling in his hand. The bomber brought his head forwards and backwards faster as he gripped tighter onto the throbbing length before him, now coated in the saliva from his palm.

Hidan groaned, eagerly sliding himself deeper down the blonde's throat. This was too good. Pressure had been building in his lower regions for some time now and he had been unconsciously prolonging his climax since the feeling was so good he didn't want it to "cum" to an end. He grinned stupidly at his own little joke- a smile that quickly turned to a silent scream as he felt the blonde begin to skilfully deep-throat him. His entire shaft was now being swallowed by the talented little man-maid kneeling between his legs. Deidara swallowed around the quivering member, feeling it throb in his hot, wet mouth. He pressed the flat of his tongue against the underside, tracing a vein he felt, bobbing his head faster and swallowing as often as he could to an erratic rhythm.

Hidan moaned, pushing Deidara's head down and properly going to town with forcing himself into the younger male's mouth. The blonde did his best not to gag as he allowed the Jashinist to pound between his lips.

"F-_Fuck_, I'm gonna fucking c-_cum_… A-ah…"

Hidan groaned loudly, the sound echoing off the tiles of the small room, and rocked his hips forward for a last couple of thrusts. Deidara sucked harder, swallowing when he could and feeling pre leak down his throat. Panting hard the older male gripped Deidara's head with both hands, feeling a coil snap inside of him. Hidan cursed loudly as pleasure like none he'd ever known rushed through him, burning and searing through his quaking body. His knees shook and he locked his leg muscles in place, throwing his head back and hips forward. He buried himself inside the blonde's wet, heated mouth and shot salty white ribbons into his waiting mouth and slightly sore throat.

The artist blushed deeply and did his best to suck Hidan dry and swallow the load whilst the taller male refused to release the blonde's silky, long locks. The man rocked in and out, riding his high with a light blush on his face as the blonde squeezed his eyes shut and continued to swallow, his cheeks deflating slightly with each gulp. Hidan sighed loudly as he finished, pulling up his pants and blushing slightly when he saw Deidara -whose hair was messy but the maid outfit intact and undisturbed- free his slowly softening cock from his pretty lips with a pop. He helped Hidan redress himself. The zealot dropped to a crouch before the somewhat flustered blonde, their faces but mere inches apart as the zealot stared deep into the younger man's uncovered blue eye.

"Thank you very much," he said in a surprisingly polite manner.

He wiped a long finger from the blushing artist's collar bone and all the way back up his neck, over his chin and to the corner of his lips. Deidara saw it was an escaped trail of semen and quickly remembered to take the finger into his mouth and suck the liquid off, swallowing once more. Instantly both men began shrinking. Deidara watched in fascination as the room expanded around them, the entrance to the hole looking even further away than before. The pair made their way to the tiny door. Hidan placed his hand on the doorknob but stopped mid turn when spoken to.

"You're not to tell anyone about that, un," the blonde warned, his blush receding as he fixed his hair.

Hidan smirked evilly, "Of course not, I'll just tell them you drank the fucking potion or some bullshit li-"

"WHAT POTION!" Deidara demanded, stomping his foot in a very girly action.

The Jashinist slipped a glass vile from his back pocket.

"This one, calm the fuck down…"

"CALM DOWN, UN? YOU MADE ME SUCK YOUR COCK FOR NOTHING!" the blonde shrieked at the top of his lungs.

Hidan chuckled, tossing the glass to him. "I'm just fucking with you; that's Mountain Dew. Doesn't shrink you or give you wings or whatever, but fuck does it taste good."

Deidara glared hard at the rabbit man as he chugged the drink. It was true, the blonde's body wasn't changed… though it _did_ taste pretty good. "Hmph. Better than your cum, I guess, un."

Hidan laughed, "You're so fucking cute when you're mad! Especially…" he gestured to the blonde's outfit and waggled his eyebrows.

"You're not getting anything more from me, un."

Hidan shrugged, taking Deidara's hand and guiding him closer to the door. "I've got someone I'm interested in anyway. And he's in there. Still, it was nice fucking with you, now let's go find them!"

"Wait, who, un?" The door was thrown open and a strange world was revealed.

The rabbit man grinned, "You'll see, now let's hurry the fuck up we're still late!"

Mad hatter- Sasori

Alice- Deidara

Red Queen- Itachi

Rabbit- Hidan

Cheshire cat- Pein

Catterpillar- Kisame

Tweedle dee- Black Zetsu

Tweedle dum- White Zetsu

Playing Card- Konan

Mouse- Kakuzu

March Hare- Tobi


	2. Chapter 2: The horny hatter

….

Chapter two:

Deidara stood tall in all his feminine glory, hand in hand with his irritating companion and squinting as his eye adjusted to the light that was somehow glowing underground. He frowned, seeing there was a sun and a sky, just like the ones above earth… What was this place? It was like a giant jungle; huge animals were lazily going about their business, completely ignoring the tiny maid boy and his religious rabbit escort. The door they had stepped through was attached to what seemed to be a giant plant. Many colourful, exotic and odd-looking plants grew much larger than the ones the bomber was used to all around them, for miles. It was quite a warm, humid environment, with strange music playing nearby.

"Whoa," the blonde drank in the strange new world. "This place is… Like a humungous jungle! Where are we, un?"

Hidan stood and glanced around indifferently, a hand on his hip as he tapped the floor with his foot. "Wonderland. Where the fuck do you think we are? The point is how to get the fuck out!"

Deidara stared in awestruck silence at a giant toad asleep nearby.

"Is that a summoning, un?"

"Who gives a shit?" the man yelled in exasperation, pulling the blonde forwards.

Deidara tripped every now and then not noticing the oversized twigs and pebbles until they smacked into him, making Hidan point and laugh. The artist couldn't help it; this new place was just so interesting and weird! It was like abstract art…

"Oof!" The blonde found his face against the dirt again, golden hair splayed over his outstretched arms. _Some ninja_, he thought glumly, feeling an obstacle under his stomach. _What did I fall over this time, un?_

Hidan chuckled and ran a hand through his slicked-back hair, scratching one of his floppy ears.

"You can't even fucking walk straight! Ha! Careful or you'll rip your damn stockings!"

"Shut up, un!" The blonde pulled himself upright with as much grace as one could muster, whilst bent over a giant red button, his ass sticking up in the air.

Hidan being the gentlemen he was didn't offer a hand for Deidara, preferring to peep up the artist's short skirt while he had the chance. The bomber went pink and tried to swing at him, but the zealot dodged with a smug grin.

"Hey, why the fuck are we wearing matching underwear?"

Deidara shrugged, stomping off in the direction Hidan had been walking. "You should ask whoever dressed me in this ridiculous thing, un."

The rabbit grinned, rather enjoying the idea of walking behind the blonde; for the view. He had a fine ass himself but nothing compared to Deidara's. The problem was Deidara didn't know where he was going. Hidan sighed and caught up to him.

"You don't even know where the fuck you're going."

The blonde laughed nervously, "I was just following the music, un."

"Oh, good, that's what you're supposed to do." The Jashinist nodded and peaked at the adorable man. He was unbearably cute in that outfit. A huge colourful bird caught Deidara's eye and he watched with his big sparkly blue eyes as it flew over their head and away. Unfortunately, due to this distraction an oversized, fallen blade of grass was tangled with his sexy legs.

Hidan shot an arm out and caught the blonde, grumbling about stupid rabbit reflexes.

"Thanks, un…" Deidara muttered, using the zealot for support as he kicked the stupid greenery away. "I'll be more careful."

Hidan rolled his eyes and slung the unsuspecting blonde onto his back. "Like fuck you will."

Deidara was going to complain but decided against it; this made for less effort on his part plus more sight-seeing. He allowed the rabbit to hold him up by the thighs whilst he locked his arms around the Jashinist's shoulders with a disdainful huff and let Hidan carry him.

Pretty soon the pair reached a clearing in the giant field. The weird music seemed loudest inside. The rabbit stopped and peeled back a giant stem to allow the two into the space.

A long table stretched towards them. It was covered with a patchwork of different coloured and patterned tablecloths, all sewn together. On top of the cloths were several miss-matched tea sets, all half-filled with various different coloured liquids. There were tiny plates and china saucers here and there, holding tiny coloured cakes and biscuits.

Seated at the head of the table was a man in a dark brown, pin-striped suit, old-looking, a huge black necktie with little multi-coloured clouds dotted onto it, wrapped through his collar in a bow and a large dark green top-hat covering his face. The hat had three large ostrich feathers sticking out of the dark red ribbon tied around it. He was leaning back in a chair that looked more like a thrown with his legs perched on the table, one crossed over the other. This person appeared to be sleeping.

Sat next to him was probably something that would haunt his nightmares for the rest of Deidara's life: Tobi in a chocolate-coloured bunny-girl outfit.

"Sempai!" The masked idiot stood from the table and began running over. "Sempai, you look so prett-"

Hidan shot a fist out, punched Tobi in the face and knocked the boy out cold. He lay sprawled over the dirt in an awkward position that left nothing to the imagination in his tight outfit. One of his long brown bunny ears was crooked, which for some reason annoyed the hell out of Deidara.

"Fucking wannabe," Hidan grumbled, stepping over him and continuing to approach the table.

The man at the end grunted and brought an arm up from where it had been hanging limply off the chair. He rubbed his eyes under the hat and lifted it slightly.

"You kept me waiting, brat."

"Sasori no Danna?" the blonde yelped, remembering his outfit and fighting a blush. God, this was humiliating! Why did he get to wear something… well, not normal but at least it was masculine!

The redhead lifted his hat higher, brown eyes widening as he caught sight of Hidan lower Deidara from his back. He smirked evilly as the blonde stood awkwardly, blushing and unsure of what to do, where to look and what to say.

"Well don't you look delightful?" he teased, resting his elbows on the table and lacing his fingers together. "Take a seat."

Hidan chuckled under his breath as the bomber sat as far from Sasori as the table allowed. He himself sat down next to Deidara and poured some tea.

"Here," he offered the cup and saucer to the irritated man next to him, "It's iced tea."

"Thanks, un." He timidly took the chipped cup it and drank a sip.

"So, tell me, brat…"

Deidara glanced up from under his fringe at the man.

"What, un?"

"How do you plan on defeating the Red Queen?"

"Blow her up, un."

"Do you have any of your detonating clay?"

"…No." he admitted reluctantly.

Sasori raised an eyebrow, leaning forwards. "Would you like some?"

Deidara dropped the cup, spilling tea over the cloth as he stared at the man. Hidan cursed about waste under his breath, drinking his own straight from the spout of a cracked teapot.

"YOU'VE GOT MY CLAY?" the bomber demanded.

The puppet master shrugged, "Yeah, lots actually. But I don't possess your abilities so I couldn't blow the Queen up myself…"

"Where is it, un?" Deidara stood from the table, itching to be reunited with his beloved art tools.

Sasori snorted, tipping his hat lower over his face. "I don't feel like telling you. You were quite late after all. Naughty."

"WHAT?" Deidara shrieked, stomping over to the redhead.

"Why not, un?" the blonde slammed a fist on the table, making the cups and saucers rattle. Sasori peaked at the angry maid from behind his thick blood-red locks.

"You'll have to give me something first."

Deidara gulped, glancing back at Hidan who was idly sipping tea and watching Sasori with a hint of curiosity.

"What kind of… something, un?" The artist demanded, straightening and putting his hands on his hips.

The redhead raked his brown eyes up and down Deidara's rather erotically dressed body and looked back at him lustfully. "I'll give you three guesses."

"Aww, fuck," the blonde grumbled, blushing.

Sasori laughed and curled a finger seductively. Deidara leaned down to the puppet's level warily. The redhead grinned and reached into the sash on his hat, pulling out a folded piece of paper and handing it to the blonde.

"Tobi wrote you a poem…" he explained with a smirk.

Deidara straightened up again and strode over to his seat, beside the Jashinist. He quickly unfolded the note, feeling Hidan reading over his shoulder. The bomber read the poem and instantly saw red, fury boiling through his veins. When that boy came around he was going to knock him straight back down again, and again, and again.

ROSES ARE RED,

VIOLETS ARE SILLY,

GREASE UP YOUR BUM,

'CAUSE HERE CUMS MY WILLY!

Love Tobi xxx 

The blonde fumed as Hidan fell off his chair because he was laughing so hard.

"THAT KID IS FUCKING HILARIOUS! OH JASHIN, I WISH I HADN'T PUNCHED HIM!"

"I will when he wakes up, un," the blonde vowed in a dangerous tone.

"No! If you do that I'll fucking punch you in the ovary, bitch! We need to encourage this sort of talent!"

"I'M A MAN WITH _BALLS_ HIDAN, UN! A MAN!"

Sasori smirked at Deidara who was desperately trying to calm down. He stopped shaking and took a deep breath, slowly tearing the poem into little pieces and let the flutter to the ground.

"Shut up, un," the blonde pointed at Hidan who was still chuckling under his breath as he seated himself back in his chair once more.

"And you," Deidara turned his head to the far end of the table. "What do you want me to do for you, Danna, un?"

"Sex." Sasori stated bluntly.

Deidara glared at him. "You're mad, un."

The scorpion pursed his lips and pointed to the big green hat on his head with a bored expression.

"Mad Hatter."

Deidara frowned, pretending that made sense. "But… aren't you a puppet? So… How does that work, un?"

The redhead shrugged. "Hidan and Tobi used to be human beings… sort of… but now they've got rabbit ears and tails. Things are a bit different here. So what? I'm going to make the most of it."

The blonde blushed, flicking his hair. "Of course, but… well… What should I do, then, un?"

Sasori grinned, removing his feet from the table and leaning closer to the man. "Put on a show for me. After we're done you can have your clay."

"A show?" Deidara frowned, still bright pink. "What kind of show, un?"

"A sexy show." The puppet shrugged, "I don't know, surprise me."

The blonde huffed. He looked at Hidan.

"Are you watching too, un?"

The rabbit grinned up at him, "If it's a good show, yeah, why the fuck not?"

Deidara heaved a sigh and he stepped up onto his chair. Sasori and Hidan's eyes widened, neither man believing he was going along with it. The blonde pouted, knowing there was no way out of it so he swallowed his pride for the second time that day, climbing daintily up onto the long table.

Deidara listened to the music and stepped closer to Sasori, kicking off his shoes and avoiding the clutter littering the surface. He took his time, moving with the weird music –which he still hadn't found the source of- eyes locked on his Danna.

Sasori licked his lips and watched, entranced by the hot maid boy. Deidara stood before him, slowly rolling his hips to the strange instrumental and bending down to Sasori's eye level. He leaned in close and Sasori bent forwards too, muddy eyes heavily lidded with lust. He went in for a kiss but the blonde moved away at the last moment, his hot breath ghosting over his partner's face. Instead Deidara took the brim of Sasori's oversized top hat between his teeth and tossed it aside. He ran a hand through the thick, wavy red locks.

The maid stood up again and, rocking his hips and raising his arms by his sides, whirling his wrists. He turned around and bent over; knowing Sasori's gaze would instantly zoom in on the newly exposed areas up his skirt. The redhead watched as the blonde bent over, his tight little rear facing the sky as he kept his legs straight whilst stretching and peeling away one of his striped stockings, revealing the rest of his gorgeous, tanned leg.

Sasori's pants got extremely tight all of a sudden when he watched Deidara take control of the situation. He dropped the stocking to the table and crouched down again grasping a tall glass of iced tea and turning back round to face the puppet master again. The blonde shook his hair sensually before taking one last small step towards his Danna, now standing right on the edge of the table. Good thing he was light or else the thing would have tipped over. He raised his bare, bronze leg in the air and pointed his toes in front of the redhead's face. Getting the hint, and being far too hypnotized to argue, Sasori took the toes into his mouth, kissing and sucking adoringly.

Deidara lifted the glass, slowly and deliberately over his knee. He poured the cool liquid out. It cascaded down his carve and foot into the redhead's greedy mouth. Sasori lapped up and sucked away the liquid, happily drinking from the bomber's smooth skin. When Deidara saw the glass was now empty he simply pushed the redhead back with his foot and closed his eyes, lifting his nicely shaped leg in the air as he licked the tea from his own flesh once whilst maintaining eye contact with his Danna.

Deidara placed the foot back down to the tablecloth and kneeled before Sasori, sharing the liquid in his mouth with the redhead in a very wet kiss. Once both had finished drinking the blonde gently trailed his tongue along the puppet's neck, making him raise his chin. Deidara leaned close again and licked away the excess fluid. The two stared into each other's eyes for a moment before moving closer at the same time once more and kissing heatedly, both tongues locked in a fierce and breathy battle. Deidara, after winning, pressed his lips against his Danna's one last time.

He slid off the table and placed himself onto Sasori's lap, straddling him and grinding to the music as the man wrapped his arms around the blonde's slim waist. Deidara placed their foreheads together and their breath mingled in the short gap between their open mouths.

"So, after this, un… Do you promise to give me back my clay, Danna…?"

The redhead groaned, feeling the sneaky blonde slip a hand between his legs and rub the bulge in his pants.

"Y-yes, Deidara." He replied, slipping his hands up under the blonde's skirt and into his silky panties, groping and massaging his cute little ass.

"Mmmmm…" Deidara closed his eyes, blindly unbuttoning Sasori's trousers.

He curled a warm, soft hand around his Danna's rigid and leaking arousal. He pumped quickly for a time, forcing Sasori's to breathing to turn come fast and in gasps. Deidara had just slipped his tongue out from the palm mouth and let its tongue swirl over his leaking tip. Sasori groaned and Deidara smirked, running his hand's tongue around the head and up and down the shaft. The blonde felt a warm finger begin gently probing his entrance. He gasped as the tip finally managed to squeeze past his tight ring of muscle. In return Deidara sped up his ministrations, coating the redhead's cock in saliva and pre.

"WHAT THE…!" Tobi's voice screamed, "SEMPAI! I'LL SAVE YO- MMRRPH!"

Both Sasori and Deidara's blushing faces turned to see Hidan grab the fool's masked face and carry him backwards.

"See you later, bitches. Enjoy fucking!" The rabbit man wandered out of the clearing, a kicking and screaming "poet" in tow.

Sasori sighed, "Now… Come here," he pressed their lips together, making the blonde moan as his Danna skilfully molested his mouth with his hot, experienced tongue. The kiss making for a good distraction as Sasori carefully carried out his preparations.

They both broke apart for air moments later, once the blonde had three of his partner's fingers pounding and stretching inside him.

"This is gonna be good," Sasori grunted, pleasure quickly pooling between his legs.

The redhead removed his fingers and wasted no time throwing Deidara over the table. The blonde gasped, already hard and slightly breathless in fearful anticipation.

"Remember, just relax," Sasori's smooth voice soothed as he eased the blonde's pants off.

The blonde groaned as he felt Sasori grip his own stiff dick from beneath his skirt, pumping roughly as he swirled the tip of his cock around and over Deidara's waiting, puckered hole.

"You were the one who said art was a bang, right?" Sasori teased before pushing himself slowly into the vulnerable boy.

Deidara trembled as he felt pleasure and pain rip through him; Sasori was definitely bigger than Hidan. He cried out and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the redhead completely sheath himself inside of his body. To the bomber's surprise Sasori waited for a while so the blonde could adjust. Still, Sasori was already quite close before ever since Deidara had been jacking him off in his chair. He stroked the blonde's length in reassurance and to bring pleasure back to what they were doing.

Despite his cruel methods and tone the redhead did have a soft spot for his partner. He was glad they had the chance to do this. Deidara pushed back, bucking his hips a little and mewling that he was ready for more, so Sasori should move. Sasori smirked, lacing a hand within the blonde's silky, golden hair. He kept the other hand pleasuring his blonde under his skirt and apron. Slowly, carefully the redhead pulled back his member, feeling the blonde's ridiculously tight depths clench around him as he tried to move. The damn blonde was going to drive him crazy, and if he came at this time he may as well kiss his pride goodbye.

With a desperate grunt he drove his hips forward, watching as the blonde threw his head back and screamed. At first the puppet thought it was out of pain and he winced, feeling bad. But then he felt the throbbing in Deidara's leaking manhood. Sasori listen to his partner keen and mewl, bucking his hips back in exasperation.

"That was so _good_, Danna!" He breathed, "Do it again, right there, un! And don't stop!"

"You asked for it," the redhead grinned.

He began thrusting again, sliding out and then in harder, striking Deidara's prostate head on. Sasori rocked himself in and out, grinding into that blissful, tightness faster and faster each time. The blonde moaned and collapsed over the desk, feeling the puppet master strike against the sensitive bundle of nerves harder and harder, deeper and deeper till he thought he'd explode even without clay.

The pleasure rocketed up his spine, through every nerve and back down again, straight to his groin. He curled his toes, digging tiny trenches in the dirt beneath the table. He was going to cum. He wanted to make some sort of signal to Sasori about this but couldn't bring himself to muster the strength. Deidara could do nothing but rely on the table for support as he let his Danna ride him to his poisonous heart's content.

"Y-you're so t-tight, Dei…" the redhead panted, sliding a hand out of the blonde's hair to grip the table for better support as he fucked into the beautiful younger man. "I don't know how long…"

The heat and vice-like grip around Sasori's pulsing cock was almost too much. But the man refused to cum before his partner; Sasori drove his hips forward, nailing the blonde's pleasure spot every time whilst fisting his leaking shaft vigorously to their wild rhythm.

Deidara moaned, laying his head on his arms and feeling his whole body rock forwards and back with the scorpion's pounding. The table cloth was riding up around his waist and the cups and glasses on the table were rattling and toppling over. Their entire clearing was filled with lewd grunts and cries. The redhead slid his body against his partner's, pulling away some of his long, beautiful hair to expose the pretty skin of his neck. Sasori kissed and licked the flesh, nibbling and marking the blonde as his own property. Sasori could be quite protective. Deidara felt his Danna's hot tongue swirl over a sensitive zone on his neck and bellow his jaw. His lower belly was clenching pleasurably, so he knew he was closer than close. Deidara moaned, feeling dirty and hating that he loved it.

Sasori was breathing harder now, barely able to hold back his orgasm. He knew it would be any moment now before one of them lost it. Luckily for the puppet it was Deidara. The blonde moaned and then screamed Sasori's name, writhing and grabbing fistfuls of the cloth beneath him as he came, bright colours flashing behind his eyelids. He came hard, flushing a brighter red as he heard the wet squelching sounds of his release rushing through his Danna's pleasurable, talented fingers.

The redhead groaned as he felt overwhelmed by more incredible sensations. His release hit him like a giant wave; it swallowed him up and crashed through him like a tsunami of pleasure as the bomber's ass clamped down on and around him, milking him off his seed. Sasori brought himself upright again, pushing Deidara's skirt up higher around his waist so he could grip his beautiful ass with both hands and thrust deeply inside one last time before hosing down the blonde's spazming innards.

"Deidara…" he breathed, grinding himself in and out slowly, thoroughly enjoying the high he was on.

Deidara moaned as he felt the man fill him to the brim. He whined when Sasori pulled out, feeling like he could cry. He heaved himself up, barely able to stand. Already Deidara missed having the redhead's large cock within him.

The scorpion smiled tiredly, curling an arm loosely around his little maid as he fell back into his large chair and bringing Deidara into his lap. Sasori kissed the blushing blonde once on the cheek. He then proceeded to relax into his seat with Deidara wrapping his arms around the older male's neck. He shivered as he felt a trail of cum slip down the inside of his thigh.

"Hmmm…?" the redhead cracked open a chocolate drown eye, looking at the bomber questioningly.

Deidara blushed brightly, making Sasori smile tiredly.

"I… I'm sorry if I leak on you, un…" the blonde mumbled, too sleepy to pull up the pants he felt around his ankles.

The scorpion chuckled. "It's a horrible suit anyway…"

Deidara grinned, "Hey, they were off so fast I never got a chance to look… Are your boxers black with red clouds, un?"

Sasori shrugged, "No, I don't wear underwear."

The blonde blushed again, "O-oh…"

The redhead smiled, eyes drooping closed. "My socks are though."

"Hmm…" Deidara frowned.

"Oh, by the way your clay is in the really big teapot on the table."

The bomber smiled, falling easily into unconsciousness in the warmth of Sasori's embrace.

"Thanks, Danna… un."

A/N: Well, that was really fun to write, but I know I can do better… The lemon wasn't as good as I'd like it to be… Still, who liked Tobi's poem? XD Please review!


End file.
